New diary, new calendar, fitness products on sale and new gym trainers added to the shopping trolley, along with salad and green tea. 

Seductive isn't it? The promise that when the calendar rolls over to the January 1st, all of our past habits will be erased, we'll have a clean slate and we can start afresh. We'll become a completely new person, "out with the old, in with the new" we all cry as we crack the spine of our brand new planner and write in it with our finest handwriting. It's reminiscent of starting a new school year after the summer holidays. 

"I'm going to be organised this year, lose weight, get up at 5 am to go for a run, and actually use the slow cooker that's been sat, brand new, in my top kitchen cupboard for the past three years" we mutter to ourselves as we take the empty wine bottles to the bottle bank. 

It's a heady time, full of promise, motivation and ambition. Everyone else is doing it too, so there's a sense of camaraderie in the air. Apart from marathons, the only other time you'll see so many people in neon gym gear running down the street, is the first week of January.

We all tell ourselves each and every year, that that the start of the new year will be a fresh start for us all. We think that we'll just forget all the negatives of the previous year (there has been so many!). This year will be better. We will be better. Bad habits will be broken, family feuds will heal, our bank accounts will refill themselves, catastrophic political decisions will somehow turn out all ok. 

I have bad news; the calendar lies. 

A change of date, whether it's a new year or just another Monday, doesn't make the slightest bit of difference, if nothing else changes. 

The concept of a 'fresh start', is a misleading one, we all carry our pasts with us, as any good psychologist will tell us. It makes us who we are and it's perfectly normal to have a string of both good and bad memories behind us. 

This all sounds incredibly negative so far, doesn't it? I don't mean to be a killjoy - you see there is a positive message to take away from this and I'm getting to it, I promise!

Although we can't change our pasts, or erase our memories, or drop bad habits simply because we decide to one morning, what we can do is learn from them. 

We need to look at why last year, last week or even yesterday went the way it did.

Did we drink too much on Friday, to forget our crap week at work, at the job we can't stand? Did we have a blazing argument with a friend, partner or family member because we hadn't communicated at the first opportunity how they were making us feel, so one day we just snapped?

Coping mechanisms come in all forms - whether it looks like a bottle of red after a tough day, avoidance of social situations, or starting a diet to avoid healing our relationship with food and negative body image.

We either need to find alternative coping mechanisms for the circumstances we can't change, or address the source of stress and anxiety in the first place.

This post comes from a place of finally knowing, after all the past New Year's days and Mondays, where my own problem lies; it's not my habits I need to be working on, it's the reasons behind them. 

I frequently fail to look after myself and take time out to escape and relax, when I'm dashing around after my son, running a house, and growing a business. 

I'm well aware of how important my health is, who isn't these days? It's not an awareness of health issues we're lacking. We all know how to care for ourselves (exercise, sleep, varied diet, plenty of water) so it isn't knowledge either. What is lacking in my own life, as I'm sure it is for many others, is support and practical help with the many plates I'm simultaneously spinning. The plates that just get in the way of me relaxing and looking after myself.

It's time for reflection, not resolutions

Instead of vowing start a diet when New Year’s Day or Monday next rolls around, vow to look into what it is that drives you to neglect your self-care in the first place.

Target the cause of your behaviour, rather than the symptoms.

Boredom? Escapism? Comfort? Reward? Frustration? These feelings will come from your life, whether it's your current circumstance that's getting you down or past events influencing today's you. 

Really take time to pick out where these feelings originate from and then if you need to, ask for help and support to deal with whatever it is. 

Join a community group, find your tribe online, find a hobby or interest you can really escape into, make time to care for yourself, seek out a counsellor or a close friend if you need to talk, see a GP about your mental health or have a chat with a career mentor about your job. Whatever it is, ask for the support and help you need to deal with it properly, instead of trying to eradicate your only coping mechanisms. 

By all means, set optimistic goals for the new year, or a new week, but make sure you're working on the cause of your habits and not the symptoms!

And if you’re reading this on a day that isn’t New Years or a Monday, please know that any day is a good day to start caring for yourself.